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How to eliminate your never-good-enough syndrome

Start "adulting" and don't revert back to the days of "pick me, pick me"


What is the one thing that causes you to lose you of inner peace and confidence?

Is it the fear of rejection, fueled by a desire for approval, acknowledgement or recognition? Or perhaps you might recognize it better in the following phrases:

  • The drug of approval
  • The disease to please
  • The fear of not measuring up
  • The not enough syndrome
  • The "pick me" panic
  • The "I will accept myself" when identity cyclone

The above all have one thing in common:


An attachment is an emotional state of clinging due to the belief that without a specific outcome we cannot feel successful, confident or peaceful. Really? Is our identity so dependent on outside circumstances to define our worth, value and capability?

Ask yourself the following questions the next time you feel failure and send yourself into a stress storm:

  • What are the gifts and opportunities presented in this situation?
  • How can I return to confidence and inner peace?
  • What are my best next steps in this situation?
  • How can I reorient myself to the idea that it's not rejection; it's simply direction?
  • How am I giving authority to the external factors? 

Two serpents will quickly take over your mind when your identity is contingent on external factors: envy and jealousy.

Yes, I am blogging about these two little serpents again because they continue to trash our internal castle and we forget again and again that we are the landlords of our own minds with, by the way, the exclusive ability to evict them.

Then why don't we?

Because judgment and competition are engrained in our DNA: It’s this never-good-enough syndrome which leads to sleepless nights and anxious days.

Bring your point-of-reference inside your castle, pull up the drawbridge and celebrate your signature in this world. No one does you as good as you, no need for comparisons. Each time you experience "pick me, pick me” panic you have an attachment to something other than yourself.

It's ok to want something and go for it 100 percent. When attachment slithers in you render yourself very vulnerable to inner anxiety and self-doubt.

Each time you compare yourself to another human being, you say: "You have something I need in order to accept myself, feel successful or enough."

Of course it's ok to feel disappointment when you don’t get what you want; just get back on the horse of life as quickly as you can and take a positive, actionable step forward.

I grew up out in Long Island, New York and went horseback riding almost everyday after school. I recall a day I spent racing with my sister in a sprawling open field and felt so powerful as my horse galloped through the grass. All of the sudden I was flat on my back and couldn't breathe; the wind was knocked right out of me. My horse stood close by, staring as he pulled up the grass by the mouthful as if nothing happened.

How often have you found yourself in life’s saddle feeling totally confident, in a comfortable flow only to be thrown on the ground? It happens.

The solution comes with your ability to get back up gracefully and swiftly so that your fear doesn't override your confidence and ability to act.

We have all been playing the "Pick me, pick me " game since childhood. The only difference now, as we are "adulting", is that when we don't get picked too often we flip into self-doubt and lack of confidence. Get back up on your horse and ride that field that you are destined to ride. Give more authority to your God given gifts and talents than to circumstance. It's not rejection it's simply direction. Remember, failure is simply a label you place on an undesirable outcome. What if every outcome holds a gift and an opportunity for you?

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Lauren Miller

Lauren E Miller, has a masters in adult education with a certification in human resource development. She has personally conquered two of life's top stressors at the same time, advanced cancer and divorce. Now Google's No. 1 Stress relief expert, award-winning author, speaker and certified executive and life coach, Miller provides process driven programs with structure, guidance, support and accountability designed to create positive change in behavior resulting in positive impact on business (IOB) and life purpose. Explore more at: LaurenEMiller.com

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