Elvis is following me on Twitter

Ten things I plan to accomplish in 2010:

1. Foil a terrorist attack with nothing but a tube of squeeze mayonnaise, a box of Dots and a spork.

2. Return all books I have borrowed from friends that I’ve kept for more than a year but have yet to read.

3. Reduce and maintain my body weight so it’s never more than twice my wife’s weight. (Thus new use for mayonnaise in item #1.)

4. Teach our one-eyed cat how to blink.

5. Learn to yell louder than our dog can bark.

6. Recreate the scene in “Curb Your Enthusiasm” in which Larry David smashes a smoke alarm to bits.

7. Lobby Nabisco to resume publishing mock apple pie recipe (no apples needed) on box of Ritz crackers.

8. Eat more chikken at Chick-Fil-A.

9. Log enough miles in my car to listen to the “Best of 2009” 13-CD rock mix collection my son compiled as a Christmas present.

10. Get “Elvis Presley” to follow me on Twitter – Wait that one has already happened. Really.

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