Rapport skills you need to know

Has there ever been a moment when you are talking with someone, and you are focusing on what you are going to say next rather than on what that person is saying?

Have you ever been nervous reaching out to make a connection with another human being or around clarifying your motives and intentions surrounding the connection?

Remember those moments in your childhood between not knowing how to do something and then jumping in and instantly gaining a new skill? Diving off the diving board; riding a bike; taking your first step are all life-changing moments that required you to feel the fear and go for it anyway. Actually, the younger you were, the less fear you had.

Fear is simply a label we place on a situation we believe we are not capable of handling successfully. Too often we will confuse fear with discernment. Discernment drops into our mental radar when we have an experience, which results in knowledge. For example, reaching out and grabbing a hot pan after being told it was hot. Perhaps our thoughts as toddlers in the midst of discovering our capabilities sounded like: “I know I can do this, I just need to figure out how.” What if we could resurrect that confidence in the midst of sticky conversations, inviting you to feel the discomfort and go for it anyway?

Your nervous feelings are often times fueled by neediness:  A need for a certain response or outcome.  The actual anxiety around your rapport in situations like this often flows from fear…fear that you won't get what you want from the conversation at hand. Neediness shuts down forward progress in rapport situations very quickly because the person communicating can pick up on this subconsciously, which kicks in the fight, flight or freeze mode. 

The next time you feel anxiety around a connection try this:

Pause and ask yourself: what do I need to remember in order to approach this conversation with authenticity, transparency and confidence? Perhaps it’s: “I am not the response of those people around me.” Or “I choose to remain confident in my ability to tune into collaborative solutions while honoring my perspectives and those of all concerned.”

Opening up to collaborative communication and releasing your grip on all motives that do not serve the ultimate good for all concerned will relax your body’s tension and open your brain up to executive thinking, instantly engaging your minds ability to tune into available options for solution.  Remember that you are okay with or without your desired outcome. 

Are you pushing back against that statement? I remember as I was going through the experience of advanced cancer and divorce at the same time, I pushed back every day against the thought: “I am okay with or without my desired outcome.” My push back would kick in loud and clear: “Heck no I’m not okay unless I get my desired outcome, because if I don’t get the outcome I want I might die.”

 In spite of my doubts, as I practiced the art of surrendering my desire for a specific outcome, I reignited a childhood ability that I forgot I had: to find quick solutions without focusing on the setback. Have you ever watched a child learning how to walk? There is very little lag time when it comes to their ability to go for what they want between each fall. Determination trumps self-doubt and unlocks human potential. It’s not rejection, it’s simply direction, if not here then where type thinking will open up your ability to think quickly on your feet in rapport situations which require transparency and speaking your truth in love. 

Your ability to effectively communicate is in direct proportion to your ability to actively listen and release your need for specific responses in order to feel safe and connected. This is why living from the inside out verses the outside in offers you an anchor in life that prevents rising and falling depending upon how the world judges you at that moment in time.

When you approach each person with an authentic desire for their ultimate good along with being unattached to the outcome you will create open communication and instant positive rapport.